


Sunshine, This Can't Be Real

by nobby574



Series: Fallout Hancock [1]
Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Angst, Dark, Death, Depression, Drug Abuse, Gen, Heavy Angst, Not Really A Happy Ending, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 20:52:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,879
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7122202
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nobby574/pseuds/nobby574
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hancock trying to cope with the death of his love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sunshine, This Can't Be Real

“Fuck! No! No no no. Please sunshine no. Please don’t!” I held them tightly, watching the glimmer of life slowly fade from their eyes. Their body went from shaking violently on the ground, to lying limp inside of my trembling arms. My heart slowly melting into a puddle of nothing. My eyes watering and blurring my vision. “Sunshine...please. Don-don’t do this to me….” My suave voice now choking on the bitter words that spilled from my mouth. Their body was now as still as statue and their eyes were completely lifeless. 

My breathing was shallow and rapid as I clutched them desperately to my chest. My soul poured out of me along with so many tears. The corpse of the one I loved, resting coldly in my ghoul arms. _This isn’t real. This is a bad trip. This isn’t real. This isn’t real._ But it was very much real. My arms were growing weak from holding the body that used to be as light as feather, now weighing heavily with death. The chill of night air felt horrible on my rotten skin, but I couldn’t move. I was cemented to the ground with the love of my life wrapped warmly in my embrace. I huddled them inside of my coat as if it would somehow revive them and bring them back to life. _It’s ok sunshine. You’re warm in my coat. Everything’s ok. You’re just cold._ I could feel my mind spinning out of control and I was losing it. 

I rocked them back and forth to comfort them and myself. My own movements made me believe that they were moving inside my coat too. _I’m just rocking you to sleep. You’re cold and tired. I’ll just hold you._ In a matter of minutes I went from a sane man casually strolling through the night, to one holding a dead body in their arms, believing my own lies that they were still here. Reality was slipping away from me and my brain was creating one of its own. 

_You’re cold, you’re tired, but that’s ok. I’m here for you sunshine. I’m here. I’ll never leave you and you’ll never leave me because we love each other. We love each other so much that nothing can stop us. You’re still here with me. You’d never leave me sunshine._

My thoughts were becoming more and more desperate. The very being of my existence has just vanished and my mind had cracked. I rocked harder and held them closer to my beating heart. _I know you feel this, love. You have to feel my heart. You have to feel my love._ Everything was descending into darkness. My soul, my mind, my heart it was all dark. 

My insides had snapped and I collapsed on the ground, numb and heartbroken…. 

***** 

“Hancock? Hey, you alright?” The familiar voice of Fahrenheit assured me that I wasn’t dead. My arms were asleep and tingly and I didn’t dare open my eyes, afraid to see what would be in front of me. 

“Just...leave Fahr.” My voice was hoarse and the words didn’t sound like my own. Eyes forcefully shut and everything ached. I felt her warm hand place itself on my shoulder. Her fingers gingerly touching me and it only made me hurt more. _Don’t do this Fahr. Just leave me here. Just leave me with my love. My sunshine…_

“Mayor...John. We can take them back with us. Give me a nice funer-” 

“No!” I growled at her, snapping up, ignoring the weight of the body in my arms. I cradled them bridal style and Fahrenheit’s face grew pale at the sight of them. She backed up a couple steps and I lurched forward at her. “Just leave! I don’t want to go back to Goodneighbor! I just want to stay here with them and just…” My words faltered and I didn’t know how to finish that statement without bursting into an uncontrollable sob. My arms trembled but the adrenaline allowed me to hold strong. No way in hell was I about to drop them. My knees were weak and I sunk back down to the ground. Trying to keep it together as much as I could. Fahr has seen me shed a tear or two, but she’s never seen me just completely breakdown. I never had a reason to before. 

Her expression changed from concern to sadness and neither of us could look at the other one. Her macho, tough exterior was now back in Goodneighbor along with confidence and suave. My eyes fixated on the ground, feeling so lost and helpless. She crouched down on the ground in front of me, keeping her distance from me. 

“Hey..Come on. Let’s all just...go home.” Her tone was soft and I had never once heard her speak in such a manner before. I swallowed a dry lump in my throat, avoiding her gaze. After a moment of silence, I nodded. 

***** 

Once back in my office of the Statehouse, I refused to allow any of the residents to give me their condolences. It would only make everything just that much more permanent. Fahr silently guarded the door as usually, only she seemed a little distance herself. Like she was avoiding the spiraling mess I had become. The table in front of me that had constantly been littered with chems, now was clean. I burned through every drug in my whole office, numbing all the pain that ate away at my innards. 

I wanted their body laying on the couch across from me, just to add to the facade that everything was ok. They were ok. I was ok…. _I’m far from ok._ I would stare aimlessly at them while huffing on jet or prodding myself with a needle of med-x. I talked to them and when certain drugs would combine, they’d talk back. I know I looked crazy. I know the people of the town were beyond worried and now were borderline frightened of what I had become. And who could blame them? Their once great mayor, who did everything ‘of the people for the people’, was now a nearly psychotic drug abuser. Who spent his time getting high or grilling people for drugs so he could get high. 

I think subconsciously I wanted to overdose. Just to end all my suffering. Nothing seemed meaningful to me anyways. _Too bad I’m just a fucking coward. Just like I was a fucking coward who didn’t pay enough attention to their lover when they needed it. I deserve to suffer. I deserve to fucking pay for all of this._ And that’s how my thoughts were on a daily basis. Everyday at some point the illusion evaporated and I was left with the cold reality of what was. I blamed myself for it all. This was usually when I’d start really hammering on the drugs. Popping every tablet in my mouth, punctuating my skin with every syringe available, and just trying desperately to escape the world I was forced to live in. Then eventually I’d pass out, day or night, it didn’t matter. But whenever I awoke again, I’d be calm and let the facade to place once again. 

It was an endless cycle of torture that I ensued every damn day, but I couldn’t bring myself to just put it all to rest. Whether that meant giving them a proper funeral or just killing myself, I couldn’t do it. I was going to avoid the truth of the matter for as long as I could. In my mind I lived a fake life. My sunshine was like sleeping beauty and just always asleep, not waking up for anything. The people of Goodneighbor were fine and dandy, living their lives like nothing weird was going on. Fahr was her usually stoic self, standing in the corner minding her own business, smoking a cigarette. _Yup, all of that is what’s happening. Everything is normal, everything is ok. I am completely ok._ I chanted this mantra to myself at least once a day before the real world set in. 

***** 

“Hancock! Hancock stop! You’ve fucking lost it! STOP!” Fahr yelled at me, whilst I tried to combine some day tripper, buffout, and psycho all into one massive drug. The needle was already thrusted into my arm and about 7 or so pills were in my mouth, as I hurriedly try to swallow them all. I knew it was a really fucking stupid combination, by far the most dangerous one I had concocted yet. _This is either going to be one hell of a trip or I’m finally doing the dirty deed._ I thought to myself right before doing it. 

Fahr’s fingers were in my throat in no time, scraping all the pills off my tongue and making me gag. The needle was already plunged into my arm, the rush of the drug beginning to course through me. A fit of rage suddenly blossomed inside of me and I threw Fahr off of me and onto the floor. I kicked the coffee table behind her, crushing one of the legs in the process. I crashed and smashed through everything in my way besides the couch with their body resting on it. The fire inside of me, temporarily blinding me of all my senses. Fahr stumbled up, trying to restrain me, but I end up decking her right in the face. Blood immediately gushing from her nose, which I’ve now broken. When she finally looked up at me, slightly dazed and very hurt, sobriety took control of me. 

Tears welled up in my eyes and I hadn’t realized I was trembling until that moment. Fahr didn’t look angry or like she wanted to hit me back, which was usually what she would do to anyone else had they clocked her a good one. She grabbed a cloth from her pocket to help with the blood pouring from her nose before she grabbed me by my shoulder, pulling me into a hug. I sobbed uncontrollably into the crook of her neck. Reality setting back in, although this time I wasn’t facing it alone. Fahr gently rubbed my back with one hand, while I held her like I did the body of my love. 

“Hancock….you need help. You’ve just...completely snapped. I’ve never seen you like this.” The words drilling into my rotten core and I didn’t want to have this conversation. “I know you don’t want to hear this. But...they’re gone John. They’re...dead. And pounding down all the drugs isn’t going to bring them back.” Her voice faltering between gentle and angry. She wasn’t really a feelings type gal, but I had to admit I appreciate her being as compassionate as she could be. 

“I know Fahr. I-I just couldn’t….it’s hard. To just accept that..that the love of life...is de-dead.” The words stifling out of me. I felt like I was suffocating. Fahr pulled away, a sparkle of hope glimmered in her eyes. 

“But you’ve got me John. You’ve got the whole town. You don’t have to go through this alone.” And with the words swirling around in my head like a hit of jet, I thought to myself that _Maybe with time, I will be ok._


End file.
